Kaidan gets Grindr
by TailsofElements
Summary: Kaidan downloads a gay dating app and quickly gets a stalker.


The view outside the starboard observation deck was…boring. They were still docked at the Citadel, the Commander having postponed their departure so Kaidan could bring his equipment and belongings aboard. Kaidan watched as the docking clamps disengaged and the Normandy slowly maneuvered away from the Citadel. They were heading for Rannoch to settle whatever dispute the Quarians had gotten into and hopefully get their assistance for the war. Kaidan pulled up an application on his omnitool when the door behind him slid open. The Major jumped and closed his omnitool quickly before turning to Shepard.

"Hello Commander," Kaidan greeted quickly, having to clear his throat.

"Was I interrupting anything Major?" Shepard asked, still standing in the doorway, "I can go."

"No, I was just fiddling with something. No worries." Shepard walked further into the room and looked out the window before looking back at Kaidan.

"Settling in fine?"

"Yes, it feel good to be back. Not the original Normandy but you have a way of making it feel like home Shepard," Kaidan smiled before joining the Commander at the window, "I'll never got over the view. Everything we see, it's a miracle."

"Never knew you were the romantic type Kaidan," the Commander smirked.

"There's lots you don't know about me Shepard," Kaidan responded. His omnitool pinged. Not the normal message or alert ping, more like a series of chirps. It was the app he left open.

"What's that?" Shepard asked, looking at the Major's omnitool.

"Nothing, just a notification," Kaidan answered, quickly.

"I've heard that ping before on the Citadel. Not a normal message alert," Shepard was staring at Kaidan as if he's eyes could force the secret out.

"Just some silly application, that's all. I'm going to make sure my equipment is all secure and cleared. Excuse me sir." Kaidan left abruptly leaving Shepard to ponder.

It was good to have Tali on board and while he could sneak her away under the premise of some technical consultation, Kaidan and Tali caught up. He heard about how she finished her pilgrimage, joining Shepard on the suicide mission, the trial, becoming an Admiral. Kaidan shares his promotions, and his biotic division. He leaves out Horizon since Tali heard it from Garrus.

"I wish I had been there with you all for that suicide mission," Kaidan muses, leaning back in his chair in the mess, "The offer was tempting."

"I'm glad you weren't," Tali responds, "Shepard was incredibly focused and he went in knowing we not make it out. If you had been there, we might've lost more than just Moridin." Kaidan's face quickly changed to offended and he opened his mouth to respond before Tali continued, "It is nothing on your skill Kaidan. Shepard didn't worry about any of us. He knew we could get it done or would die trying. He wouldn't have let you do that though. He would've died to just save you."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," Kaidan leaned forward, "Shepard's never been like that. In fact, I wasn't sure if he was going to shoot me during the coup."

"I'm not going into details, I don't have the time, but just think on this Kaidan. Would Shepard let the one person he saved from Virmire die?" Tali let leaving Kaidan to ponder. His omnitool pinged. It was that damn Spaceguy app. Some blank picture guy had sent him a message. 32 years old, 6'0" 200lbs, brown hair, human, no name. Kaidan chuckled to himself at the bland description and that the man was two inches shorter than him. He looked at the message.

_So, what brings you to Rannoch? _

Kaidan rolled his eyes and closed the app. Obviously someone on the ship was trying to mess with him. It could also be one of the Quarians noticed his omnitool pinging the comm bouy every ten minutes for messages. He reopened the app and closed the notification option just in case.

They docked in the Citadel for some resupplying and quick repairs before heading off to Benning to save some colonists from Cerberus. Kaidan headed to Apollo Café and turned on his Spaceguy app again. His omnitool started pinging a bunch from all the messages he had missed before leaving. He marked his status as here for a day before going through the messages. A couple of nice looking doctors that turned out to be a couple looking for a third, no. This guy looked nice and familiar. It took Kaidan a bit to realize he was a Cerberus agent. Kaidan tagged him and sent the information to C-Sec anonymously so they can go arrest him. Seven messages from…that guy at Rannoch.

_Hey, did you get my message?_

_ You're really cute._

_ You must be a soldier, why else would you be here?_

_ Why aren't you responding?_

_ I just want to get to know you._

_ What's your name?_

_ Hey, I'm at the Citadel too! What a coincidence._

Kaidan stared at the messages before closing his screen. Some of these guys were just planning needy and Kaidan didn't want that. Maybe it was stupid to download the app. Almost everyone on it seemed to just want a good fuck. Not that Kaidan hadn't done it before but really, it was the end of the universe and he deserved someone to fight for. The major finished his meal before heading back to the Normandy. His omnitool pinged again.

_You're a quick eater._

Kaidan paused before scanning around himself for any threats while opening to a comm to Liara across the way.

"Liara?"

"Yes Kaidan? You know, this is quite unnecessary when you could just walk over here," Liara responding, looking at him across the way.

"I believe someone is watching me. Could you walk with me back to the Normandy and cover my six?"

Kaidan could see her sigh, "Never a break. I'll notify my agents that you are to be watched and protected while here on the Citadel."

"Your agents?" Kaidan asked, giving her a confused look hoping she could see it.

"That's right, you weren't there when EDI told the whole ship. I'll tell you later since I know you can keep a secret and will only cause problems in the future if I don't explain. Walk with ease Major." The comm cut off. Kaidan looked around uneasily before heading back to the ship.

"Welcome back Major Alenko," EDI chimed. Kaidan jumped. "Are you alright?"

"Just a little on edge EDI. Didn't you go out with Joker?" Kaidan asked as he headed towards his bunk to get his data pad.

"Joker, Shepard and I went to the Presidium to procure some fish. We are heading back now. Shepard seems to be in what Joker would call a 'man period'." EDI responded, "I am still aware of the ship despite being in my mobile platform."

"That's right, sorry. Why do we need fish? They won't keep well," Kaidan asked, pulling up a book on dating and settling in on the couch of Starboard Observation.

"Shepard has an aquarium in his quarters," EDI responded. Kaidan hmmed in response.

_You know, you're being very rude. I'm just trying to get to know you and all you do is keep ignoring my messages._

They were in combat, bullets flying and colonists escaping for the evac shuttles when he got the newest message from his Spaceguy stalker. Kaidan was thrown for a loop before noticing the grenade and throwing up a barrier to stifle the explosion from the team. Shepard just gave him a look of 'Focus!' before leaping over the barrier and taking out three Cerberus Centurion shields for Kaidan to lift and Garrus to pick off with his sniper rifle.

They were back on the shuttle heading out when Kaidan dared to look at it again. Shepard was sleeping in his armor and Garrus was checking his equipment for damages. His stalker now had a picture of the N7 logo. The major read the message again before blocking the creeper…again. Kaidan had blocked him shortly after leaving the Citadel and subsequently forgot to deactivate his notifications. Whoever it was, hacked the app and unblocked himself. Kaidan was hoping that wasn't it and maybe his blocking just didn't stick.

Back on the Normandy, the Commander silently handed his equipment to Vega for cleaning before going to report to Hackett while Kaidan cleaned his own. Vega and Cortez had volunteered many times but Kaidan liked to take the time to focus on his own equipment and to analyze and mistakes he made such as the dent he got from the stifled grenade. The major finished storing his equipment when his omnitool pinged again.

"Hey, I know that sound," Vega commented off handily.

"Vega, why do you know that sound?" Cortez asked. Vega went bright red and focused on cleaning Shepard's helmet. Cortez chuckled, "I'll admit, I'm more surprised at you Kaidan. I didn't know you swung that way."

"It's a recent development. I didn't even start dating till a year after Shepard died," Kaidan responded, not ashamed like Vega. He opened the app and checked the message. From the creeper.

_Stop blocking me Major._

"I need to go," Kaidan said before rushing towards the elevator. Cortez turned back to Vega.

"So James," Cortez said with a shit-eating grin.

"Tali, I need your help," Kaidan explained, pulling the Quarian to the lower engineering deck, "I got this application on my omnitool that is pretty much to help set up dates and casual sex, don't ask," Kaidan isn't sure how he can tell her facial expressions but he knew that one was of confusion, "this guy on the application keeps messaging me and knowing where I am and my military rank without me saying a word to him. I tried to block him from messaging me but he keeps hacking the app and unblocking himself."

"Have you tried uninstalling the app?" Tali asked. Kaidan paused for a moment, hit a few buttons on his omnitool and waited. "What are you waiting for?"

"I'm not sure but it just seemed too easy to be-" His omnitool pinged again.

_Uninstalling Kaidan? Really? You can just say hello._

"He hacked my omnitool and reinstalled the app!" Kaidan shouted.

"He must be quite skilled, here. Let me see if I can track him," Tali pulled up her omnitool and started to work off of Kaidan's.

"Let's see, if I just utilize some geth coding here and try to- What? How can he? No you don't. I almost got you and-" Her omnitool sparked and flickered off. "He fried my omnitool!"

"What?!" Kaidan panicked, "How?"

"He led me into a trap. He saw right through my code and just egged me to the perfect spot that left my system venerable and released a virus that overloaded all my systems. This'll take weeks to fix!" Kaidan's omnitool pinged. Tali locked eyes with Kaidan, "I think you're in trouble Kaidan."

_Seeking a quarian on me? You are just awful. What will it take for you to just say hi?_

"Kaidan, I think you need to tell the Commander. He'd want to know about anyone targeting you."

"What can he do? This guy can hack our omnitools from who knows how far away. He could easily just knock us out of the air."

"Shepard is one of the best tech experts I've seen and he'd want to know before we're knocked out of the sky. Maybe Shepard knows this guy. Has some dirt or intel."

"No, I know who would," Kaidan smiled, "I'm gonna ask the Shadow Broker."

"Liara, I have an emergency," Kaidan rushed inside the asari's quarters.

"How can I be of service Major?" Liara asked, not looking up from her screen.

"Can you do a search of Humans at 6 foot tall, with brown hair weighing about 200 pounds?"

"Why?" Liara actually looked up at him, utterly baffled, like the young Liara he met years ago.

"This guy hacked Tali's and my omnitools I need to find him and take him down before he can hurt the crew," Kaidan explained.

"I shall throw in hacking experience in the criteria. This should be quite-" Liara paused as she looked back at her screen.

"Kaidan, you might as well go. I don't know who you pissed off but someone broke through my security protocols that Shepard himself designed and sent me a message that if I helped you, he would wipe all my data," Kaidan's jaw dropped and he could see Liara shaking, "Whoever this is Kaidan, whatever you've done, we are in trouble."

The door to Shepard's cabin swooshed open. Shepard looked up from his datapad at the Major standing in his doorway.

"Kaidan! What a pleasant surprise. EDI let you in?" Shepard through the pad to the side and stood up.

"Commander, we have a problem," Kaidan said. Shepard saw the panic and worry on Kaidan's face.

"What's wrong Major?" Shepard tensed, ready for combat.

"Do you know the Spaceguy app?" Kaidan asked. Shepard looked at him confused. "It's a dating app for gay relation-"

"I know what it is Major," Shepard cut him off, "What does this have to do with our problem?"

Kaidan approached and pulled up his omnitool, "This guy here," Kaidan showed him the profile, "Has been messaging me constantly, which wouldn't be a problem if he didn't know who I was, following me at the Citadel, messaging me while I'm in combat and not only hacking my omnitool to unblock himself and reinstall the app to my omnitool but he also wrecked Tali's omnitool and hacked Liara's terminals. I'm not sure what to do Commander."

"Why does he keep messaging you?" the Commander asked, oddly calm.

"I'm not sure Commander," Kaidan was baffled at how relaxed the Commander could be with this cyber threat after him. Tali was full of shit when she said Shepard would die for him.

"Let's look at the messages," the commander read them all out loud and Kaidan just waited. "Any idea?" Kaidan shook his head. "Kaidan, I didn't think you were like this. It looks like the guy just wants you to talk to him and you just keep ignoring him. You must've hurt his feelings." Kaidan stared at the Commander baffled.

"I'm the bad guy? This guy is a major creep!" Kaidan shouted.

"Or maybe he just likes you!" Shepard shouted back.

"Why do you care about some random dude's feeling?!" Kaidan didn't know why they were in a shouting match but he couldn't think straight.

"Just fucking message him Kaidan!"

"No!" Kaidan ripped his omnitool away from Shepard.

"Kaidan!" Shepard reached for Kaidan's arm and Kaidan moved away. Next thing the Major knew, they were on the floor wrestling and shouting at each other.

"Just send him a goddamn message you stuck up bitch!"

"Fuck you Shepard!"

"Do it!"

"No!" Shepard pinned Kaidan's arms down with his knees on Kaidan's biceps. Kaidan tried to push him off biotically but found he couldn't.

"I switched off your amp," Shepard explained, "Now, we are going to message him." Shepard activated the omnitool and started to type.

"Shepard!" Kaidan struggled against the Commander, not noticing the compromising position he was in. Shepard sent the message and lost his balance and Kaidan tried to buck him off. The Commander caught himself with both hands, his crotch crushing into Kaidan's face with a half hard bulge. Shepard's omnitool pinged right next to Kaidan's ear.

It hit Kaidan like a sack of potatoes and he didn't even know what to say. His mouth just hung open on Shepard's crotch that was getting harder each second.

"Kaidan?" Shepard asked, not daring to move in case the Major flipped out. There was no response. Shepard could feel himself poking Kaidan's face and his pants getting damp. "Kaidan, are you okay?"

"Shepard," Kaida spoke up, "Can we go on a date before you dry hump my face?" Shepard breathed a sigh of relief before getting up and helping up Kaidan.

"So…."

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Kaidan asked, sitting on Shepard's bed. Shepard sat down next to him.

"I was trying to but I couldn't figure out how to put a picture and you never messaged me back. I thought the app was broken. But then I saw you at Apollo's and I saw you look at my message and you completely ignored it so I got angry and tried to get you to say something but you just kept ignoring me."

"Why the fuck did you message me on the battlefield?" Kaidan asked.

"I actually sent that before we went on the shuttle down. Your settings only check for messages every ten minutes. So you got it in the middle of a firefight," Shepard explained, "Are you mad?"

"Only at myself," Kaidan mumbled, "I feel like such an asshole."

"Well, I got out of hand too. I need to apologize to Tali and Liara. They'll both beat me for this," Shepard sighed.

"So, you actually like me?" Kaidan asked, still not sure.

"Always have," Shepard smiled, "And before you start down those dark roads I know you go on; No, I saved you on Virmire because it was smarter to save as many people as I can over one person, yelling at me at Horizon is what I needed to get the job done and I understand how you felt, and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have been able to deal with two years of you being dead." Kaidan looked at Shepard and saw the sincerity. Kaidan leaned in and kissed Shepard lightly.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan said, "I wish I had noticed sooner."

"Well, let's survive this war and we can tell our kids the hilarious story of how we got together," Shepard grinned.

"Woah now Shepard. Marriage talk already?" Kaidan joked.

"I never said anything about marriage, just kids," Shepard smirked as Kaidan got flustered. He leaned in to kiss the Major when Liara and Tali came in with EDI.

"Shepard! What are you playing at?" The two ladies shouted as EDI just stood there.

"I'm guessing EDI tracked it to my omnitool," Shepard answered. The AI nodded, "Look, I'm sorry ladies we can explain."

"Oh no, this is all you bucko," Kaidan chuckled before heading for the door, "Don't hurt him too much, we have a date."

"Kaidan! Kaidan, don't leave me!"


End file.
